Saturday, June 12, 2010

Reflections on the End of Something Good

There comes a time which, I hope, is far from universal.

It is the moment when you realize that everything you were is dead and gone and that, far from being reborn, far from being rebuilt and renewed and revitalized, the person you are going to be is still, as yet, unborn. In this limbo, in this middle-ground, you are lost. There is despair in this place, despair and sadness that threaten to overwhelm you every moment you are awake. This is a place where you realize you are simply, completely, absolutely alone. You wish someone would put their arms around you, if only so you could cry on their shoulder - anyone's arms, anyone's shoulder... And the only thing saving you from it is knowing that no one will.

And you have no choice but to go on about your business. You've got to keep working, and you've got to keep smiling and pretending that everything is okay, even though it isn't. Even though it'll never be 100% okay again. You can't talk to anyone anymore, because they think it's been two months and you're past it and they have their own problems they need you to listen to. And you do, because you care about them.

But it kills you.

You're not a person anymore, at that point. You're just a clump of memories and pain and sadness with the occasional smile, thrown in. You wish you could fight for what you were, for what you had, or for what you will be and what you will have, but you can't. There's nothing to fight, no enemy or challenge to vanquish. You wish you could spit vitriol and invective at the woman who said she'd marry you and then took it back - but you can't. You can't because you love her and you can't hate her, no matter how much you try.

So you go for walks, or drives, alone. You think about the children you'll never have and you weep. You think about the good times and you smile through tears. You think about the future you no longer have and you cower.

It is at moments like this when you feel like there is nothing in the world worth what you had, and that - in spite of the rational knowledge that it is not the end - you have nothing at all to look forward to that will ever make you as happy as you were.

I miss her. I miss my in-laws. I miss seeing her smile as she walked towards me after a long time apart. I miss the smell of her hair and the feel of her arms around me. I miss hearing her call me a dork when I said something silly and I miss calling her a freak when she did something ridiculous.

2 comments:

Bow of Eros said...

"just a clump of memories and pain and sadness with the occasional smile, thrown in..."
Great description. I've been to that limbo state and absolutely loathed it. I fought my way out of it and hope you have as well.

There is no pain worse than losing someone you love, no matter the circumstances.

Nam$ said...

so true brother... so true...